Welcome to the funny farm! You'll find that there's a handful of us here that are professional railroaders in a few different crafts.
So you want to be a conductor, eh? Unfortunately, this very moment doesn't seem to be a terribly good time to try to hire on. The railroads are in a downswing due to traffic not meeting their expected demands. However, we can help you get started so you'll know what to do when the time comes.
Here's the thing that concerns me the most:
>Would an academic like myself hate the notion of working as a conductor?
That's a very good question. The number one thing you need to know about working for any railroad is that the vast majority of them don't have set schedules. You can and will be frequently called at any time day or night. The only restrictions are that you have to be "rested", which is federal jargon for "he's been off duty long enough". You'll often find that you'll come home, get your eight hours' "rest", get some good sleep, and then you sit around all day waiting for a call. Nothing happens until your day is gone, you're just starting to get tired again, and at the time you consider going back to bed, your employer will call you and want you to work a job that can last up to 12 hours. Repeat ad nauseum for five to ten years until you build up enough seniority to hold down a specific job that, even if the schedule is crappy, gives you a better idea of when you're going to work.
Also, if you have a significant other, be prepared to spend a lot of time away from them while you're out on the road or resting in a hotel at an away from home terminal.
I'll let everyone else get into the details of actually applying, but I wanted to give you a heads up of what you're getting into.